Cross outs (or the lines between the read)

by Yas Jayson Wednesday, May 19, 2010 8 palagay di na naman in-edit pensive bottles randomness vita brevis

Monday night.

I was strolling down the well lighted sidewalks of Tomas Morato looking for a bar where I can drink down all the unnecessary problems in my mind. I don't know how to describe the emptiness I am feeling. My thoughts are in clutter these past days and drinking alone in a place where I am a total stranger is a proven remedy. I have done this many times in two years but this particular night wasn't friendly. The sky was starless and it was windy, signs that it might rain. The chill of the May wind touches my face and legs as if touching my soul. The plan was very clear: get drunk, grab a cab when tipsy, go home then hit the sack. I got drunk that night. But I was not alone.

I always wonder how friends know where a broken sipirit hides.

My phone beeped.  Sa Matalino tayo. Clerisy ulet. Papunta na ko, aga natapos shoot. Para sumaya sama ko si Bordeen. Weehoo. It was Gene, a high school friend. We talked in Facebook that morning and he knew that I am drinking. Half-hearted, I went to Matalino St. and went straight to that little bar. Peering through the glass wall, I could see three groups against the neon lights. While waiting, I ordered beers so I may drink alone. Twenty minutes later, I saw Gene and Bordeen going up. Pakyu ka. Di ka na nagbago, late ka pa din. Gago. After boyish arguements, we drank and talk about many things other than my troubles. I seldom talk about my problems. You may call it selfishness but isolating problems to the minimum is my drill because I do not want others to worry. Talent or a curse, I do not care less.

.

Soon there are at least a dozen empty bottles on the table. It could have been Bordeen who began spinning a bottle that we fancied to do Spin and Dare. I was complaining and totally against it but I have no power over the majority so I conceded. We were loud and laughing. As in parang binili namin yung buong bar kung makatawa at makasigaw. People from other tables we even paying attention at us, at our funny cursing and gawking, excited what the next dare would be. From pass-the-tube-ice to shouting "I am happy and I know it clap my hands" to ramp walks, we became the favorite of the crowd. The gay couples near our table even wanted to join us but we politely declined. For the first time in my eighteen years of living, I went of the box and carelessly did things I never imagined my self doing. I was amazed in discovering that there are so much things I am capable of other than the things I am already doing. It was liberating. For once, I have come to know another face of happiness.

That night was good. I met new people, befriended the waiters and gained confidence. It was a wake up call to make me realize that I must let go of my grudges about the past. I messed up with my past relationships and I know it was all because of my senseless mistakes. Singlehood is not bad after all.

The next night, I found my self bar hopping with Earl in Metro Walk then in Cubao. Personally, I reserve a bad opinion about the place but seeing the incredible acts and performance of those amazing people on stage, with their talents and wit, their capability to adjust, dare to ask and bring fun to customers, I learned to appreciate people's individuality. I enjoyed the show and the dance floor, even met someone I was so torpe to approach. If not because of Earl, I could have not known the name. I am looking forward on meeting that beautiful soul again.

Martin Luther King Jr. put it best when he said each of us is something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against ourselves. I believe in that. I am a collection of me.

The night was particularly awesome and good. The pack of Marloboro was consumed on a single night. I went home sober and happy. I thanked Earl and said that it was my greatest trip so far.

Two weeks before turning 19, am halfway done with my life checklist for 2010. Yesterday, I crossed out one item I thought impossible:

14.) Take risk so you can discover who you are.

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My life has been one great big joke,
A dance that's walked,

A song that's spoke,
I laugh so hard I almost choke,
When I think about myself.

~Maya Angelou