to stand where i am supposed to be standing

by Yas Jayson Sunday, August 01, 2010 11 palagay stargazing vita brevis

Today, I pondered about my own mortality. Hmm. Blame it to the rainy days.

Realizing that one day I will die gives me more reason not to fret over little things that fuck my days. See, nothing saves anyone's life. Even science and horcux can only postpone it. Ultimately, the same night awaits us all.

But come to think of it, what kind of person you like see in your dying day?

(Why should a nineteen year older would ponder on dying in the first place? Blame it to the gloomy weather. LOL)

There are moments that I would think about me dying in many different scenarios; either a car crash along the expressway, maybe by multiple organ failure, or by stroke at three in the morning. I would feel a little worried but after a while, the focus of my thoughts turns on the drum beats inside my chest. I would feel more alive. Death thoughts would pop usually during my down days, when I feel so empty or on days when life is just so bland that things seem so routinary.

I'd like to see myself welcoming death faithfully performing a duty, if not of old age waiting for my turn to pass. Since I was seventeen, I was resolved to live a lifetime consecrated to an ideal. See, I cannot ensure a continued heartbeat. I may quit smoking, stop drinking and eat grass all my life yet my days are still numbered and I am left at the mercy of the grand design of invountary muscles working in my body. I, we, will all die. But to die without trying to really live is very boring. The best moment to die is when you are really been doing the things you feel so good at.

If I am going to die one day (or one night), why bother these working and studying and dreaming? Because I know am not born just to die (because believing on that is a redundancy). I am born to have time and to own it. To plant a tree, to inspire friends, to become a brother, to live for a great desire. I'd like to die standing in the spot where I am supposed to be standing, that is to live giving meaning to the definition and extensions of my happiness.

Why to worry death in the first place? Because I do not understand what is around the bend. Because I am leaving things and fame. Or friends. Because in passing, I am like returning to womb again; naked and bold nonetheless.

I've seen death many times. I was seventeen when I signed the waiver to pull out my mother's life support. My sister was sobbing when I told her it's enough, that mama had a full life dedicated to her ideals. She died simply as how she have lived now its our turn to do likewise. She had enough and without assertion. I like that thought.

I am not afraid of dying because nature dictates that I should die and be some part of something else when this body decays. My atoms will separate and scatter. If that so happens, I'd wish to become part of a fishing boat or an eagle. Because I want to roam again.

What is it in there after we die? I think that question would spring more confusing questions ergo, it is invalid. When I ponder about death, I would also question how far I have lived my life and how better I am becoming. Because with death, I think, the most important is where it would catch us. And someday, somewhere, I wish to meet death like an old friend. Excited and smiling.