jealousy and longing

by Yas Jayson Thursday, September 17, 2015 7 palagay pensive bottles what matters most

Three years ago, I dated Nikko, a med student about my age. I liked him very dearly and we both knew that. But it wasn't enough to transcend that friendship into a commitment. Deep within, I knew it's still him. I told Nikko about it and begged to stay as a friend. Wise enough to understand, he still let me see his life and share important moments. I would invite him to celebrate Christmas with my family and he would let me have dinner when his parents come to the city. Through the years, he'd let me know of his struggles and moments of bliss. The boys he dated, his passion in singing and dancing, the perennial fear of being not good enough. I'd like to believe that Nikko let me witness and share his life in a close encounter. He's going to take his oath as a physician in a few days. I'm very happy about that.

He has a partner now. Recently, I invited them over a charity dinner my group organized. Not seeing him for months, I was delighted to see him and his partner N. His walk was bouncy and his eyes are beaming, with a half smile I'm familiar as if telling me "Yes, that's him, Yas. My joy and all." He didn't have to say it. He's brimming with happiness.

I hugged them and for a second, my heart betrayed me.

That feeling of being vulnerable and empowered at the same time, of absolute contentment and belonging, of contradicting phenomenon of freedom and commitment all because of the presence of one person you handpicked from the rest of mankind. 

I miss that.

I miss you.