The night of small surrenders

by Yas Jayson Tuesday, September 21, 2021 0 palagay amor ordinem nescit life after ex

You were perfect. The way your brown hair flows down your forehead to match the contour of your brown eyes, the way you form your words and how they break and make me, the little things that concern the totality of your person. I met you when there was no reason to believe that good things can come my way, when every proclivity of my heart and all my desires to be wanted and to be had had fallen into that trap of endless search for one night stands and temporary euphorias. I meant it when I told you that you picked me from my own shallowness. That when you decided to accept this wayward heart of mine, it became easier for me to relearn how to forgive others and myself.

See, you took a damaged good. But with all the uncertainties and infirmities I had to offer, you managed to make me a different person. You may admit it or not but you slowly shaped my heart and made it more human - insecure of a future for two men falling in love but fierce in choosing to continue our interwoven narrative everyday trusting that somehow, heaven will someday ordain such arrangements. We became braver. Especially you. You become this brave person capable of understanding and forgiving. And compromising.

"Are you sure about me? I may not become a rich guy and provide our future family with everything they deserve. I always just want a simple life. To live with less, so I can give to others some more."

"I'd be happy to live that life. As long as we are together."

We lived together and everything is conjugally shared. From cooking pots to bank accounts to our two beloved dogs who are now a reminder of that great love we shared, we always tried to have everything together. My pains were you pains, your joys were my heart's joys too. I thought I knew everything before we decided to be together. Yet, you beautifully taught me how wonderful it is to become vulnerable. Whenever you are sick, I can't stop thinking how I can live without you. What if I lose you because I was so selfish and careless? I knew I have to take care of you. For the second time in my life, I was afraid of losing something so valuable.

And then, it was time for us to continue our love stories separately. We had two beautiful years.

It was almost evening when I broke to you the news. You kept your cool and you seemed to agreed. It took you a while to find the right words and tell me what I needed to hear. "You are selfish." Those months when we had to share a bed knowing that despite all the love that we had, it was not nearly enough to make me stay. Those empty days when we both had to fake our smiles because there was really nothing to lose but our togetherness. I knew you were wrestling with your own thoughts, even questioning your own faith and convictions.

So I bunked into friends' for days only to return to our place in the morning before everyone would notice that I had not spend the night with my partner. I took you anger in all its forms. And then I took your deafening silence. You deserved to be vulnerable. I learned that for you, remember?

Then one quiet night you told me to come home. As soon as the dogs were tucked in bed and the lights were out, you finally faced me and said,

"I forgive you."

You are a fearfully wonderful soul.